Oracle
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RIP 2012
Writing is such sweet sorrow: like heck it is!
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Post by Oracle on Dec 12, 2006 16:55:09 GMT
Here's one I remembered earlier!
Back around 1980 I was friendly with a Piccadilly t/op, now a signaller at Nesden Depot. We shared an interest in buses, and used to travel out to rallies on a Coubtry Green RT owned by a chap in Hemel Hempstead who lived along the road from the late Bob Greenaway (they knew each other) and also another chap who was retired, in his Fifties and holder of some cash; let's call him "Fred". Fred used to wear an appropriate uniform when the bus was out, as shall be explained.
After dropping off the RT one night Fred and I took a Northern train down from High Barnet. It was a 1959 Stock, and we were in the last car, and sat down behind the Guard's area. Fred was dressed in what was either his father's or perhaps a relative's old all-green serge suit, with green Chief Inspector's hat with gold LT badge. I believe that these would have been worn by Green Line Inspectors and CIs at Oxford Circus, Victoria, and Aldgate? He however looked "The Part", and the uniform suited him, literally. He looked like my old Headmaster...an authority figure.
Said Guard decided to sit down on the passenger benches after each stop, and then he decided to put his feet up on the opposite bench. Fred then, in his best headmasterly voice, said "Guard... do you think that you should be putting your feet up on the seats?" This then caused a germ of a reaction in the hapless chap because whilst the man talking to him was wearing all-over green, as in billiard table, he had a gold badge, he was senior in age, and that uniform just might be a Manager's, even though at the time it was blue suit and cap. The germ then sprouted and he suddenly though that he might be in deep mire, and then snapped up to a standing position, the feet zipping off the seats, and an apology somehow worked its way through the poor chap's teeth!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2006 17:05:52 GMT
I've got one that I've heard, I may have posted this before but it's worth another go:
During the late seventies/early eighties there was a bar at the end of the DR platforms at Richmond (This may still be there), and a woman approached a man in an LU uniform, sitting down reading a newspaper, "Which train leaves first?" She asked. The LU man replied, "The one on the left." The woman asked when it would leave, to which the LU man picked up a pint of bitter out of no-where, pointed at it and said, "As soon as I've finished that!" I don't think it'd happen today somehow.
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Oracle
In memoriam
RIP 2012
Writing is such sweet sorrow: like heck it is!
Posts: 3,234
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Post by Oracle on Dec 12, 2006 17:09:03 GMT
Dave M and I caught the last Heathrow from Cockfosters one night: he was on split shifts and was the booked t/op. We walked down the platform and heard a weird sound from what was evidently an empty train. We walked a bit further, and found a guy sitting on a bench seat with head bowed down, and urine was running out from his nether regions whilst he was still sitting! He was clearly boozed up to the eyeballs and did not realise that he was facing a lake of noxious chemicals puddled on the car floor. And probably soaked into the seats as well.
Dave said that no way was he going to take the train out, and called to the Boss. The Boss came over and asked what's wrong? Dave pointed out to the Drunk and the lake and said that it was unhygienic, and no way was he going to take the train out in that condition. The Boss sighed, realising that the delay was building up, and said that Dave had better take the train out in the other platform, which was stabled. He then went into the car, grabbed the Drunk and then escorted him along the platform saying that he was going to call the police. By the time that we got down to the West End the platforms were heaving with people, and we were seriously late. I keep thinking what job the cleaners had to do to the car subsequently!
Alex, you have reminded! X was a former Central Area bus driver who decided to hoof it to the green area, and was sent to Hemel Hempstead Garage, which became London Country. X liked his drink and he would like a pint or two before he took out his Green Line coach to London, especially if he was lates or split shifts. The Management I think wanted to get shot of him as he was a thorn in their sides but he was a Shop Steward, and always stayed one pace ahead of any attempts to sack him, including when they gave him notice whilst he was still technically off sick. In fact he was indeed "swinging the Lead", with a supposed bad back and everyone knew it but the GP kept signing notes. Eventually X decided to go back to work, and as there had been a miserable failure to sack on a technicality, something else had to be tried. The Management probably tipped off the local constabulary although his drinking on company time and before work were definitely not secret. One night when he was driving his coach from Hemel, a short distance down the road a police car stopped the coach, and without any further ado in plain sight of passengers, breathalysed him! However he had by some sheer quirk of luck not been drinking that evening and he had to be let off. I can imagine the sighs in the office about what it took to get rid of him!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2006 17:12:26 GMT
You already posted it, and it set off a longish thread on modern D&A policies. Where's COLIN!
One of the funniest announcements I ever heard was a Piccadilly Line driver winding up late-night travellers during one of the weekend District shutdowns - his announcements had me in silent stitches!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2006 17:24:12 GMT
You already posted it, and it set off a longish thread on modern D&A policies. Where's COLIN! Yeah I thought I had, but couldn't remember in which board or for what reason - so thought I'd post it as the other time I posted it must have been ages ago, so without thread resurrecting no - one would see it anyway. As for announcements there is one Central Line op, whose train I have been on a few times who gets destinations in the wrong order (When Lancaster Gate was closed - "This is Lancaster Gate ch..oh no this is Queensway, this station is...oh no Lancaster Gate is closed, this is Queensway...it's Friday...I'm tired") and also an amusing Northern Line op who will pick up the handset at random moments, say "This is your driver speaking" and then put the handset back again!! The same chap was telling punters on a packed train, and packed platform at Stockwell to "let passengers onto the train first". Another Central T/O made me laugh one day when we were held outside White City. He got on the PA and said "Apoligies for the delay, we're being held outside White City waiting for a free platform." A few minutes later he said: "Well I've spoken to the controller, and he says we're still waiting for a platform........I wish I could give you a decent excuse.....it's as good as it gets on this line". It made me laugh.
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Post by Dmitri on Dec 12, 2006 17:57:05 GMT
Said to be heard on the Moscow bus (driver announces a stop):
- Bering Strait... oh f... Bering Street!
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Post by marty on Dec 12, 2006 18:16:57 GMT
Last Weekend on the Berlin Underground:
"Dear passengers, this Train is being turned short at Olympia-Stadion due to various reasons. One of them is, that we have an incompetent controller..."
Quite a few passengers laughing...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2006 18:47:02 GMT
He then went into the car, grabbed the Drunk and then escorted him along the platform saying that he was going to call the police. Sod that, I'd get the police to drag him away if I could!!! Well, I try to be useful ;D That's a nice couple of stories, I wish I could have seen the network a few years ago and have a few tales of my own!
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Post by johnb on Dec 14, 2006 15:29:25 GMT
Last South West Train from London to Guildford in the early days of privatisation (1996?) - somewhere around Surbiton, the strongly-West-Indian-accented guard comes on the tannoy: "Dis train will now be terminatin' at Woking due to TOO-TAL MANAGEMEN' TINCOMPET-ANCE..."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2006 20:34:31 GMT
One of my favourite jokes at work is when someone comes up to me and (for example) says: "What's the quickest way to get to Oxford Circus?"....and I just look at them blankly. After a few seconds I say "Well, what is it then?" Some find it funny, some not.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2006 23:23:52 GMT
I've been asked various questions that have nowt to do with the railway:-
"Whats on at the Apollo?" [after rapping on the cab side door at Oxo C east] Suitable reply given... ;D "Here driver, you know London... do you know where xx Broadmead Road in Woodford is?" [was at Leytonstone] Well, obviously, it's in Woodford! "No, I mean HOW FAR is it from the station?" I haven't got the foggiest idea mate, sorry... "Well I thought you'd know these things." I'm a TRAIN driver, not a taxi driver, and I don't happen to have an A-Z atlas with me...
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2006 23:26:19 GMT
I get that in the station all the time, you're not just a tube worker, but a walking map, interpreter, social worker and general worldwide travel expert. It's like working in a tourist information place, but with no information at hand........only yer mates Knowledge Book coz you can't be asked to carry your own.
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Post by tubeprune on Dec 15, 2006 7:50:34 GMT
Shunters:
The cabin at the west end of Ealing used to have a sign painted over the door, "Abandon Hope All Ye that Enter here"
One of the shunters at Northfields used to make wooden models in his spare time (which he had a lot of). They were very good. I always remember a superb dolls cot he made with a few simple tools. He looked like Sammy Davis Jr so he was always called "Sammy". I can't remember his real name.
Running Inspectors: There used to be one at Baker St nicknamed "Bugsy". He was not the most handsome of men. He was formerly a motorman at Drayton Park. One morning, he and I were chatting in the running office and the phone rang. He answered it and then told me, "The stock transfer to Drayton Park is on its way down from Finchley Road and they've got a bit of trouble." We went out to Platform 2 and saw the battery loco and a 3-car 38TS unit glide to a halt on platform 3. The driver sees Bugsy and leans out of the cab door. "Hullo Bugsy you old B******d" he says, "you here now? You were never any good as a driver so God help 'em here". "Hullo" said Bugsy, with a evil grin on his face, "You ain't so brilliant yourself, Fred. You left the other loco behind at Finchley Road."
The train had become uncoupled and they hadn't bothered to connect the train line between front and back locos. We had a good laugh about that one for months afterwards and Bugsy restored some of his rather dented street cred relating this tale to all and sundry.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2006 20:53:01 GMT
"What's the quickest way to get to Oxford Circus?" "Probably a helicopter".
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2006 22:38:16 GMT
"What's the quickest way to get to Oxford Circus?" "Probably a helicopter". I've used that one as well!!! Just like, "Do we have to change at xxxxx?"...I say "No, you're ok in the clothes you're in!" ;D ;D ;D The old ones are the best ones
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2006 23:37:57 GMT
Another is for someone to flash a Gold Card or something at me, and they say "Can I get out?", to which I point at the luggage pass and walk away ;D ;D ;D I do walk back though (well most of the time).
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Post by c5 on Dec 15, 2006 23:42:18 GMT
How long is the next train? - Six Cars On a weeked with engineering work - Whens the next Circle Line train? - 5 o'clock (Monday morning)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2006 23:44:00 GMT
How long is the next train? - Six Cars Indeed....another one to remember!!!!!!
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Phil
In memoriam
RIP 23-Oct-2018
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Post by Phil on Dec 16, 2006 8:17:33 GMT
Unfortunately not applicable now without amendment, but I often used it.
Passing a stop
"Oi, conductor, I wanted that stop" "Yes, so?" "You didn't ring the bell for me" "Well, I didn't want to get off, did I?"
Regrettably request stops were never fare stages so you couldn't then charge them for the overcarry......
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2006 10:44:48 GMT
Standing in the bus station one day, chatting to a colleague. Passenger walks up and asks, "When is the next Camp Hill bus?"...
*looks at watch*
I reply, "1150; if you hurry, you'll only just miss it!"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2006 15:56:39 GMT
Last South West Train from London to Guildford in the early days of privatisation (1996?) - somewhere around Surbiton, the strongly-West-Indian-accented guard comes on the tannoy: "Dis train will now be terminatin' at Woking due to TOO-TAL MANAGEMEN' TINCOMPET-ANCE..." IIRC, in his autobiography "I tried to run a railway" the late great Gerry Fiennes wrote that, soon after being installed as Manager of BR's Western Region, one chaotic rush hour he took over the mike of the PA system at Paddington and announced "We apologise for the delay to your journey this morning. This was due to management incompetence" and was mortified to discover that not a soul milling about on the Lawn paid a blind bit of notice...
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Post by scorpio on Dec 16, 2006 22:52:07 GMT
On a weeked with engineering work - Whens the next Circle Line train? - 5 o'clock (Monday morning) Reminds me of something similar a few year back when some geezer asked about the last trains on Christmas Eve. He asked if there was anything after the last one, fool I replied yep mate, day after boxing day.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2006 21:04:23 GMT
Few years ago, Central Line Control lost the board which shows where trains are. Had radio call, which went thus...
CC: Where are you, Driver? Me: In the cab CC: Don't be funny, What is your position? Me: Seated position...
Another: "How long is the next train going to be?" Me: Same length as this one//8 cars//about 400 feet...
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Post by c5 on Dec 17, 2006 21:14:39 GMT
Oh and "How do we get in the train?" Well through the door. I've always wanted to do this but am far too polite When someone asks "Can you help me?" say "No I can't" and walk off.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2006 21:34:17 GMT
*Waits paitently for input from Tubeboy*
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2006 21:42:42 GMT
*Waits paitently for input from Tubeboy* Who will no doubt need his own thread.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2006 21:49:03 GMT
Own *forum*... ;D
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Post by marty on Dec 19, 2006 20:05:38 GMT
"How do I get to Waterloo?" "I don´t know!"
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2006 20:11:07 GMT
"How do I get to Waterloo?" "I don´t know!" ...... ...... *polite cough* Tumbleweed blows past.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2006 20:46:44 GMT
Don't upset the French - It is *their* Waterloo after all...
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